Mama.. I Want A Taser For Christmas!

If you can't ban them.. buy 'em. That's what our neighbours to the south are doing. Believe it or not, these ridiculous death-machines that resemble your cordless shaver can deliver up to 50,000 volts of electricity through a human being's body through controlled bursts and they're LEGAL in most states. Lucky for us, its illegal for Canadian civilians to purchase or own one. However, like many other vices and illegal substances in the world, you can probably find them if you look hard enough. So, why would you want a taser anyway? One simple reason.. to give 'Officer Ego' a reason to pull his gun on you! I've never read the RCMP handbook on protocols or procedures, but I'm pretty sure that if you pulled out a taser on a cop who was about to tase you.. he or she would drop it, reach for the 9 and bust a cap in your general direction. Actually, the way things are going, you would probably be twitching on the ground like a slice of bacon frying on MAX before you even knew you were being arrested. Personally, I'd much rather be shot in the leg than be hit with the skin/clothing piercing tongs of a taser weapon.

First off, you'll have the scar to prove it.. and chicks dig scars. Tasers leave little or no evidence on the skin, which is another reason why its such a favorite among law enforcers. Think of it as a street version of the famous 'phone book' used in many a crime movie's interrogation room scenes. They're portable, easy to deploy and make the average action-junky feel like Bruce Willis in Die Hard since most police officers rarely get to pull the trigger on the street.

Second reason.. I have a heart condition. Or had, the cardiologists never found the cause behind my quick brush with death 5 years ago when I mysteriously fell into an irregular heartbeat and needed to be 'shocked back to life' as they put it. My heart will still occasionally skip a beat or two when I'm really tired or out of breath. Unfortunately, there's nothing they can do about it. Not until they diagnose me with some terminal illness in another 5 years and say, "Oh.. I guess that's what it was!"

The point here is that my heart is a touch under what it should be (performance-wise) for someone my age and the last thing I need is for my parents to bury me before I get to cry over their own graves because some anxious cop didn't know about it. Now, I'm a law-abiding citizen and don't see myself ever getting into that situation, but life IS a box of chocolates as it were. And, for those who somehow still haven't seen Forrest Gump and slept through the last 13 years of pop culture, "..You never know what you're gonna get."

What happened to the good ol' days when law enforcers would just beat you down with the billy club (or night stick) if you didn't cooperate? They're all highly trained in martial arts and in great physical shape, so why are taxpayers footing the bill for state-of-the-art workout facilities, nutritionists and training instructors that could kick the crap out of Mr. Miagi when the only effort required to restrain a law-breaker is point and shoot?

Besides, you've probably seen the video of Robert Dziekanski being tasered by four big, burly RCMP officers who didn't even try to restrain him before zapping the man who later died as a result. If you haven't seen it, Google it and watch as this poor man is squirming in pain while they keep shocking him inconsiderately. Now, tell me how the natural reaction of every muscle in your body contracting uncontrollably makes it easier for an officer to handcuff you. Seeing that reminded me of when I was a kid and my mom slapped me in the face for talking back to her. Then, feeling bad for me like any mom would as I cried in pain, she kept repeating the words, “Stop your crying.”

My only response, which I still think was quite an intelligent one, was, “How can I stop? I'm not crying for nothing.. it hurts!”  She had no rebuttal.

I agree that using tasers in certain cases might be appropriate. Such incidents include a moment when the officer's life or the lives of others are in serious danger or if the suspect is armed. However, many of the taser-related deaths you've no doubt heard about recently were not even close. I'm not questioning our local law enforcement or pointing fingers in specific directions. I just think we've seen enough evidence against tasers to see them removed as a weapon of choice for police officers. At the very least, there should be a law against using tasers on unarmed suspects. If the person you are trying to arrest is unarmed, I see no need for police to use arms against them unless they try to flee or try to arm themselves with something nearby. Be a man (or woman).. get into a fight with a perp and go tell your mom how you saved someone's life with your bare hands today!